In the history of organized religion, there are many mysterious and unexplained bits of unofficial mythology.  Saint Patrick, for instance: did he really drive the snakes out of Ireland, or did he just buy them tickets?  Did Saint Paul know he was going to end up a city in Minnesota, and if he did, would he have thought it was worth it?  And does the day of February 15th really have the touch of the Creator on it, or is it just a bit of misery for those of us who didn't get any this year?

Of course, I'm talking about Saint Halfoffheartshapedcandy Day.  What were you thinking of?

For years, the roots of the holiday were obscured by crass commercialism, but we of the Thread aPa are nothing if not scholars.  (Stop laughing.)  Therefore, I can now relate to you....(drumroll, please...)

THE TOTALLY UNAMBIGUOUS AND ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY OF SAINT HALFOFFHEARTSHAPEDCANDY DAY

(a proper and just story of the Church of the Thread aPa as related by the Reverend Easy E-W, based on truthful church documents that he found in the Red Lobster dumpster)

Saint Halfoffheartshapedcandy Day is traditionally held on Februrary 15th, to celebrate the cherished memory of an early church officer, the Right Reverend Halfeauf Harshapdcandie-Dei.  There has been recent debate whether the Dei was actually part of an honorific ("of God") or whether he's a distant relation of the Irish tenor Dennis Day.  They eventually decided that the jug of rum in the corner was getting lonely, which seems to be how most of the Church's theological debates tend to end since Snow was let onto the board.

Anyway, Rev. Halfeaux, as we call him, was a French priest who worked the Welsh mining camps, spreading the beliefs of the Church of the Thread.  At the time that involved being decent to others unless they truly couldn't get a clue if you spotted them the C, L, and E and asked them if they'd like to buy a vowel, in which case they had three minutes to get over the hill before something interesting happened to their braincase.  He was also the Church's first Designated Driver In Abstentia, which seemed like a safe bet at the time since everybody went on horseback anyway.  He didn't figure on how much liquor a horse could consume in a mining town, and he was a familiar sight on Saturday night shuttling drunken livestock around in his oxcart.  Needless to say, alcohol consumption is not underestimated by the current governing board of the Thread Church.

Miners of the day lived short, brutish lives, with no chance of advancement and scant hope for orthodontia.  Anything that took their minds off their misery was welcomed, which was why the arrival of chocolate from the New World was a blessing.  Unfortunately, the evil chocolatiers that sprang up decided to take advantage of their poor educations by insane price gouging.  The equivalent of a modern Hershey bar cost the price of a college education, and many a child was sold into slavery for a Godiva sampler.

Rev. Halfeaux knew this situation could not stand for long; this was taking away valuable kegger money from the church socials.  So under cover of darkness, he started surreptitously distributing contraband sweets to his parishioners.  He confections were shaped like hearts, to remind the flock of the hardening of arteries that result from overindulgence.

Of course, for a Reverend to become a Saint, he must die for his cause, and the same was true of Rev. Halfeaux.  Choclatiers were sore sports as a rule, and eventually posted a price on the head of the Reverend.  The one who brought back the head, hands and toenails of the "Candy Man" would get a free box of Sno Drops at any location.  Under the pressure of such enticements, the bloody deed was accomplished on February 15th.  The soon-to-be-sainted Halfeaux died horribly--that is to say, not very well.

(A sidebar before we move on:  There is some debate on the Snow Drops, as heretics have claimed that they are made by Nabisco, which didn't exist until the 20th century.  When they are found, these people are sent to play with Chaz for an hour, and that usually shuts them up.)

With his dying breath, Halfeaux cursed all the greedy pigs of the world who made their money off of tooth-rotting consumables, and cursed them to constantly overstock such goods in the month of February.  That way, prices would plummet mid-month due to the vengeance of the Lord.  Amazingly enough, this comes to pass every February 15th, which is a good break for Saint Halfeaux, because you have to pull off miracles to get the Saint gig.

To cover their complicity in Halfeaux's murder, the candy merchants lobbied to get the name changed to Half-Off Heart Shaped Candy Day, because St. Halfeaux Harshapdcandie-Dei Day sounded kind of "queer".  They also created a intensely bogus holiday the day before to try and bleed the wounds of the curse, although a cursory tour of any Wal-Mart tells a different story.  As a consequence, that also muted the original candy heart symbolism of high-living diseases.  Something about love nonsense

Thread Church members celebrate February the 15th by buying all the heart-shaped candy they can at deep discounts.  They are also encouraged to puncture any heart-themed balloons they can find, breathing in the sweet breath of helium and laughing their asses off at how funny their voices are.  The day ends with the traditional Rip Roaring Bender, as opposed to the standard Whee-Haw Bender that ends standard days.

There are those who suspect the Thread aPa Church of making the whole thing up.  There are also those who suspect that the Thread Church itself is a lie, and that this collection of lost souls are just bitter dudes who won't feel the feminine touch again even if they borrowed Kenny G's saxaphone and Fabio's penis.  I am here to say that the Church of the Thread aPa is at least as legitimate as half ot the religions in this country that fail to get tax exempt status.  You may rest assured that I will be bursting any and all heart-shaped balloons I can find on February 15th, and that I do so out of reverence.

It has nothing to do with any personal unluckiness at love.  Not no way, not no how.

You have the armor of truth now, my children.  Take it into the world and let it not cause any undue harm.

Now go away.

Really, scram.

(Oh baby, why did you run off with that drummer? *sigh*)

--Right Reverend Easy E-W, Designated Driver in Abstentia, Church of the Thread aPa