(3zy's note: The religious tract you see here was written for and printed by the Pilgrim Tract Society of Randleman, NC.  Most of the time, they cover fairly common ground for this type of literature ("Where will you go when you die?"), but in this case, they decided to hit the Tobacco Belt where it lives and tell you that God doesn't like it when you light up a Lucky Strike, told from the point of view of a baby.  It struck me as so bizarre, I decided to share it with everybody...with running commentary, of course.)

3zy:   BUT ANYWAY
3zy:   The latest bible-thumpin' tract literary masterpiece
Doom:   I blame Chaz for the RIAA crapola anyways.
3zy:   I WISH...MY MUMMY DIDN'T SMOKE
3zy:   It's a beautiful story
Doom:   If he didn't need to listen to Britney all day and night, everything would be fine.
3zy:   Told from a child's point of view
FireThunder:   What the...
Doom:   STORY
Doom:   yay
FireThunder:   Is this a Chick Tract, or something like it?
3zy:   It's even worse
3zy:   NO PICTURES
3zy:   ALL STORY
3zy:   Well, there's a picture of a pathetic little brat bawling its eyes out on the front
FireThunder:   Heh.
3zy:   "I know my Mummy loves me. She dresses me up in nice clothes. She feeds me on the things that are good for me. She buys me lots of things.
3zy:   "She reads books about how to care for me. She sits up with me when I don't feel good. She will do most anything for me. But I wish she didn't smoke!
3zy:   btw, feel free to insert editorial comments....
JTTS:   "She gets out and makes sure our trailer is level"
3zy:   "I've never had a clean kiss in all my life. Sometimes her breath is awful bad; and when she kisses me just after she has been smoking it almost makes me sick.
FireThunder:   My mom smoked and I turned out ok! I don't have asthma! I'm not a drug-user!
FireThunder:   *snif* Just like me...
3zy:   "All the time there's somethng funny tasting about it. Once it did make me sick and I cried, and she said it was something I had eaten."
Y2JMark79: *JOIN* Entered room.
3zy:   Okay, here's where our author kicks it into overdrive
3zy:   HIYA BUTCH
FireThunder:   Course, she's probably kissed her after sucking daddy's cock.
FireThunder:   BUTCH
FireThunder:   That's the funny smell...
Y2JMark79:   No, it's you
JTTS:   maybe he has TWO mommies
3zy:   "She was fixing my oatmeal the other morning and smoking, and she got ashes into it. 'Course she didn't see it, but I had to eat it."
JTTS:   and THAT was the smell
Y2JMark79:   After you're done with Sailor Moon SHOWER you eight-tentacled freak
FireThunder:   OH MAN.
Y2JMark79:   HA
Y2JMark79:   Florida is kicking Miami's ass
Y2JMark79:   I'd be happier but Florida is barely less evil than Miami
FireThunder:   That's just horrible. Anybody who smokes while cooking, especially for their children...
JTTS:   if both teams can't lose, I guess that's the next best option
3zy:   "I get so tired of living in smoke all the time. It hurts my eyes and I rub them hard, and she doesn't know what is the matter. The worst thins is when she lays a cigarette down and the blue smoke gets into my eyes and nose and stings and stings.
FireThunder:   Can they both lose, and then have a plane crash into the stadium?
3zy:   "She doesn't know why I fuss so much, and sometimes (my emphasis here) SHE SHAKES ME FOR BEING BAD."
Y2JMark79:   In some sort of dream world maybe
JTTS:   oh, c'mon, kids these days need a good shakin from time to time
SvenDawg:   Like a bottle of mustard.
Y2JMark79:   Whiny white kids. Oooh, I got shook!
Y2JMark79:   How about you put your hand on the burner while I beat your ass with this belt so big the horns from the cow are still on?
FireThunder:   Kids need a kick in the ass more often nowadays.
3zy:   "Some times my lungs hurt from so much smoke, and I cry and Mummy gets cross , and I don't know how to tell her, and then we both get fussy and Mummy tells my Daddy that I have been just awful all day."
FireThunder:   Does Daddy smoke too? Or is it just Mummy?
3zy:   I'm bustin' a gut here, because I'm picturing a middle aged balding guy reading this to an assembly in a falsetto voice wearing oversized diapers...
FireThunder:   Heh.
3zy:   This next bit's choice too...
FireThunder:   Because I don't see why Daddy gets a free pass if he smokes, and I don't know why he's with Mummy if she smokes...
3zy:   "And I don't like the way some men look at my Mummy when we are eating in a restaurant and she is smoking."
3zy:   I mean, come on, all she's doing is EATING A BANANA
FireThunder:   LMAO
3zy:   And then she takes the strange men to a friend's house and says he's my daddy for the night...
3zy:   BUTANYWAY
3zy:   "Maybe I'll get used to it, but it's awful hard on a little fellow like me. I like fresh air and clean things. I feel so good when I go outdoors and away from my Mummy's smoke."
Doom:   BUTCH
Doom:   wooooooooo
FireThunder:   Oh man, Randall Simon hit a home run in Miller Park tonight...
Y2JMark79:   So, did Chaz kill Ska?
JTTS:   was he doing his hurrydate thing tonight?
FireThunder:   and he bought every fan in the section he hit it into an Italian sausage. :)
Doom:   I blame Chaz for the decline and fall of the american civilization.
3zy:   "Sometimes Mummy has company in the afternoon, and when all the 'girls' begin to smoke and there aren't any windows open, it gets terrible, and I get cross and Mummy says 'I don't know what's wrong with that child today.
FireThunder:   They were holding Simon back in the dugout last night during the sausage race...
3zy:   Why can't he be good when there's company in the house?'"
SvenDawg:   Screw JR / Coach, I want Simon / Brat at Unforgiven.
FireThunder:   Mummy and her friends then started licking each other between the legs...
Y2JMark79:   Huh? What?
Doom:   Nate has fantasies
Doom:   Lots and lots of em.
FireThunder:   The rumors now say it's going to be JR/Lawler v. Coach/Snow at Unforgiven... leading me to wonder who's going to call it.
FireThunder:   If it's Josh Matthews and The Cat, I may get violent.
3zy:   "Once, when she was holding me and smoking, I GOT SOME ASHES IN MY EYE, and it hurt awful, and I screamed and screamed, and that night she told Daddy I had a temper tantrum.
JTTS:   Cole and Tazz
Y2JMark79:   Josh is actually good
3zy:   "I don't know what a temper tantrum is, but it sure hurts."
SvenDawg:   And Cat's disappeared.
Y2JMark79:   It's just Cat's the dominant personality so he gets shouted down
Doom:   HIT MAH MUSIC
3zy:   "It's awful hard growing up with grown-ups. And now, GRANDMA'S STARTED SMOKING TOO!"
SvenDawg passes Doom the ruby slippers.
FireThunder:   Cat could run interference and cost JR/King the match.
Doom:   hahahaha
3zy:   "I don't know what people want to smoke for. I wish my Mummy didn't."
FireThunder:   Grandma's STARTED smoking?!?!?
Y2JMark79:   There's only one team good enough to commentate that match
3zy:   and then, we lean into the SERMON
Y2JMark79:   The people leading the overthrowing of Raw
Doom puts on the slippers and says "There's No Place Like Home!"
Y2JMark79:   Steven Richards, Esq. & Victoria
FireThunder:   YES
FireThunder:   "During batting practice, Sosa hit balls off the scoreboard and matrix board atop it."
FireThunder:   Stevie and Victoria rule.
3zy:   but I think I'll spare you that, except to say that the scowl of an ALMIGHTY GOD is upon anyone who supports the Phillip Morris Corporation.
Doom:   Time for some music.
FireThunder:   LMAO
3zy:   and the only cure for smoking is to pray
Y2JMark79:   I thought the cure for smoking was Keith Richards' face
FireThunder:   I have to find a way to post this at aPa... somebody made a fake Magic card...
3zy:   Thank you...the deacons will be passing the collection plates. Please don't make change like you did last Sunday
FireThunder:   TROGDOR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FireThunder:   THE
FireThunder:   BURNINATOR~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doom:   NP: Fuel Shimmer
3zy:   w00t
FireThunder:   NP: "Liberate" Disturbed
Doom:   Where in the fuck is Gohan?
FireThunder:   Wow, Roy Halladay was nasty tonight.
Doom:   He better not be getting laid again.
3zy:   I'm pretty sure he's playing cards to try and get to Aruba.