(3zy's note: Back when I had a Dish Network system, we got Galavision as part of the package, and I couldn't help but notice that while the English-language infomercials have always sold cheerfully useless things like herbal erection pills and videos of college girls showing off their tits, the Spanish infomercials were almost invaribly language tapes and things to help you go into business. Our topic tonight was one of the exceptions.   The "oily pitchman" on the infomercial is very easy to picture, since he was a dead ringer for Fred Armisen's Ferecito character on SNL.  Oh yeah, and further down we talk about an auction for Lita's panties.)

.Neurosis> ** New group name "Slightly Alive Chat" selected **
.Easy E-W> ALIVE! ALIVE! ALIVE!
/noaction
> .Neurosis listens to no one, gets intoxicated, and reads William Blake, and makes a rude noise and pretends to be apathetic
.Easy E-W> I'm waiting for the infomercial that sells 80 sexicomedias and cockfighting videos for $90
.Easy E-W> Apparently this almond oil cream is a wrinkle remover.
/gname The Chat's Not-Quite Dead Yet
.Neurosis> ** New group name "The Chat's Not-Quite Dead Yet" selected **
.Easy E-W> It goes under the skin and puts little tentpoles up under the wrinkles,  setting up a shop where little trinkets are sold to red blood cells on weekend vacations.
.Vash The Stamped> And what about the poor almonds that gave their life for that cream?
.Easy E-W> Their families receive a small payment for bookeeping purposes.
.Neurosis> Yeah, that's what red blood cells want.
** IMPACTPLAYER just joined "The Chat's Not-Quite Dead Yet" (4 members now) **
.Vash The Stamped> http://www.straightdope.com/columns/010525.html
.Vash The Stamped> Hey Sami.
.Easy E-W> Hi Mun
.Neurosis> MUNSUR! YOU FINALLY CAME IN!
.Ben Davis> Hey Everybody!
.Neurosis> You missed my first, and probably last, witty line, EVER!
.Ben Davis> What was it?
.Neurosis> Why, why, why do you have Ben Davis as a name?
.Easy E-W> It's in my .sig now, cos I like to STEAL. :)
.Neurosis> GET IT AWAY THAT NAME CAUSES ME PAIN
.Ben Davis> Neurosis: Because he just Broke Up Kurt Schillings no-hitter with a bunt.
.Ben Davis> That's oh soooooo heelish
.Neurosis> Hey, I stole my current posting name from Ska, so go ahead.
.Ben Davis> You're a DiamondBacks fan?
.Neurosis> Ben Davis is the name of car dealership in my hometown, and that fucker is lying, cheating bastard!
.Ben Davis> - signed off -
.Vash The Stamped> LOL
.Easy E-W> ITT Tech ad
.Easy E-W> Another Spanish Infomercial
.Easy E-W> AND IT'S SEXICOMEDIAS!
.Easy E-W> On VCDs!
.Vash The Stamped> Cool!
.Easy E-W> 100 VCDs and a boombox that apparently plays them....
.Neurosis> Huh?
.Easy E-W> And Tragedies of the Rodeo
.Neurosis> Tradgedies of the Rodeo?
.Easy E-W> y Accion!
.Neurosis> I wish I spoke spanish.
** IMPACTPLAYER just joined "The Chat's Not-Quite Dead Yet" (4 members now) **
.Easy E-W> Films of guys getting gored by bucking bulls.
.Neurosis> OMG MUNSUR
.Cooler than the-> - signed off -
.Neurosis> And he leaves again!
.Neurosis> Sassy will not be satisfied!
.Easy E-W> Of course, if YOU had a strap wrapped around YOUR nuts, you'd be in the mood to hurt somebody too.
.Vash The Stamped> True.
.Easy E-W> 120 VCDs total, AND something that claims to be an 800W AM/FM/Cassette/CD/VCD player
.Easy E-W> At least I THOUGHT it said 800 W
.Easy E-W> Oh, waitaminnit, they keep cutting between the 800 watter and the cheap version.
.Easy E-W> Oh NOW I see the title...TRAGIC DEATHS OF THE RODEO
.Easy E-W> And sex comedies
.Neurosis> Oh, that's even better!
/gname TRAGIC DEATHS OF THE RODEO
.Easy E-W> Great mix.
.Neurosis> ** New group name "TRAGIC DEATHS OF THE RODEO" selected **
.Vash The Stamped> Oh my GOD.
.Easy E-W> And we STILL don't have a price
.Vash The Stamped> TRAGIC DEATHS?!?!?
.Easy E-W> Tragicas Muertes Del Rodeo
.Neurosis> Well, if the almond cream went for $60, then this has to go for at least $150.
.Easy E-W> This doesn't have the oily pitch guy the video cassettes had.
.Vash The Stamped> Good God.  Who in the hell would want to buy that?
.Easy E-W> I told you, the video collections include cockfighting footage.
.Neurosis> The same people that watch "Faces Of Death"
.Easy E-W> So they're obviously pitching to a very specialized audience.
.Vash The Stamped> True.  VERY specialized.
.Easy E-W> Not your uptown Hispanic.
.Easy E-W> But they're very obviously showing two different setups here for the system...
.Neurosis> If Galavision was shown here, I'm sure plenty of non-hispanics in Bloomington would be ordering it.
.Easy E-W> A cheap one AND an 800 Watt one.
.Vash The Stamped> LOL
.Easy E-W> We have a very large Hispanic community here in tobacco country.
.Easy E-W> I still haven't seen a price yet.
.Neurosis> There's large one around my hometown, too.
.Easy E-W> What kills me is that they're pushing VCD...
.Neurosis> Hey, that's better than pushing VD!
.Easy E-W> probably neglecting to tell the customer that you're gonna have a hell of a time finding any OTHER movies on VCD.
.Easy E-W> Well, it's SEXICOMEDIAS, so can  VD  be far behind?
.Neurosis> Are there any movies on VCD?
.Neurosis> *Are there any *MAJOR* movies on VCD?
.Neurosis> I forgot that important part.
.Easy E-W> There are more than a few, but FINDING them (except on the Internet) is gonna be the problem.
.Easy E-W> Especially since the big push is for DVD.
.Easy E-W> A few format problems killed the big VCD push:
.Vash The Stamped> Oh man... the crappy Weakest Link promo.
.Easy E-W> 1) the quality is on the level of VHS
.Easy E-W> 2) the maximum play time per disc is one hour, so standard movies take up a few discs.
.Easy E-W> 3) all the goodies that make DVD so much fun aren't there at all.
.Easy E-W> I don't think we're going to see a price on this....
.Easy E-W> We're 15 minutes in and I see no dollar signs.
.Neurosis> Damn, I wish I had Galavision, just for this infomercial.
.Easy E-W> Of course, there's one major advantage for VCD...you can play it on ANY computer with a decent CD-ROM drive
.Easy E-W> AND there's no region lock, so practically any VCD can be played anywhere.
.Neurosis> Most new computers are equipped with DVD-ROM drives, so that's not a big issue.
.Vash The Stamped> True.
.Easy E-W> My understanding is that the only official digital release of the Phantom Menace right now IS VCD
.Easy E-W> Which has gotten a few people's attention.
.Easy E-W> OWWWWdioviDE-o.
.Easy E-W> And OWWWWdiocaSEttes
.Neurosis> I thought the official one was on Laser Disc.
.Easy E-W> Aw crap, forgot about that.
.Easy E-W> 9 min. left and STILL NO PRICE
.Neurosis> I didn't know about the VCD release.
.Easy E-W> The laserdisc is a bit better on the quality.
.Easy E-W> Is the LD version domestic or a Japanese import?
.Neurosis> I don't know.
.Easy E-W> Not only are they not telling the price, they're also not letting us get a fix on any of the titles of the SEXICOMEDIAS
.Vash The Stamped> The Ex-Girlfriend Miller Time
.Easy E-W> AND they're still showing two different stereos.
.Neurosis> What a reputable business.
.Vash The Stamped> Sounds like my kind of company.
.Easy E-W> We're not even seeing more than three second clips of any of the films either.
.Easy E-W> But the clips have lots of 1970s Latinas with ample cleavage
.Vash The Stamped> Simon!
.Vash The Stamped> My name is Simon.  I like to do drawrings.
.Easy E-W> http://www.comprauno.com/
.Easy E-W> WEBSITE OF THE RIPOFF KINGS!
.Easy E-W> And ALL THE LINKS POINT TO responsibleshopper.com
.Easy E-W> Where they are NOT LISTED AT ALL
.Vash The Stamped> Weird.
.Easy E-W> End of the Infomercial, STILL NO PRICE
.Easy E-W> My Bullshit Alarm is ringing like a four-alarm fire.
.Neurosis> HAHAHAHA
.Neurosis> And it wasn't before?
.Vash The Stamped> LOL
.Vash The Stamped> AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!
.Easy E-W> Well, yeah, but the website was a true surprise
.Easy E-W> SOUTH PARK!
.Vash The Stamped> "Somone pushes Bob Vila too far.  "What we're doing here, Norm, is caving someones' skull in.""
.Neurosis> Nate, are you okay?
.Easy E-W> There's a funky looking Flash animation for tucine.tv
.Vash The Stamped> Stomp Tokyo fucking OWNS.
.Easy E-W> But you type in tucine.tv and nothing happens.
.Neurosis> I see a COMING SOON! page, Easy.
.Vash The Stamped> Marshmallow desks?  Cartman's smoking his mom's crack, evidently.
.Easy E-W> From REGISTER.COM...the FREE registration service...
.Easy E-W> Which means they're doing some major chain-yanking here.
.Neurosis> TIMMAH~!
.Easy E-W> Ti-Timmah?
.Easy E-W> "One of them is mentally handicapped, for Christ's sake!" "Oh, which one?"
.Vash The Stamped> Ms. Choksondik.
.Easy E-W> And Chef pukes
.Vash The Stamped> This is a great episode... and the Gobbles episode is next Wednesday.
/noaction
> .Neurosis talks to self, flips a coin, and gets intoxicated, has an out-of-modem experience, and wonders about the meaning of life and disappears with a pop
** MATT4540 just joined "TRAGIC DEATHS OF THE RODEO" (4 members now) **
.Neurosis> Hey Matt.
.No F'n Whammies> Hi.
.Easy E-W> Hi Matt
.Vash The Stamped> 'Ello Matt.
.Neurosis> It appears this chat is another tragic death of the rodeo.
.Easy E-W> This chat was gored by a bull!
.Neurosis> BUT WE WILL NOT TELL YOU THE PRICE!
.No F'n Whammies> GORE!
.No F'n Whammies> GORE!
.No F'n Whammies> GORE!
.No F'n Whammies> </Heyman>
.Easy E-W> Call with your credit card and we WILL TELL YOU on the invoice...
.Vash The Stamped> Best Kenny death in this episode.
.Easy E-W> Best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn!
.Vash The Stamped> "Well who didn't see THAT coming?"
.Neurosis> "Who didn't see that coming?"
.Easy E-W> "Please help me! TIMMAH!"
.Easy E-W> CALL THE HOT PARTY LINE RIGHT NOW!
.Easy E-W> TALK TO FOUR JUICY YOUNG GIRLS!
.Vash The Stamped> Are you watching USA or something?
.Easy E-W> They ACTUALLY used the line "juicy"...HONESTLY.
.Easy E-W> No, that was an ad on Comedy Central.
.Vash The Stamped> Really?  It must be a local thing.
.Easy E-W> Or a Dish Network thing.
.Vash The Stamped> Well, maybe they ARE juicy.  Only the women and their panties know for certain.
.Neurosis> Waitaminute, that guy is the one that said there were 72 to the reporter!
.Vash The Stamped> Goddamn, I feel bad for even typing that.  I apologize.
.Easy E-W> That's okay, we'll just have to call and ask them for the panties-by-mail service
.Vash The Stamped> People actually do that?  Aw, that's a stupid question.
.Easy E-W> Of COURSE they do...
.Easy E-W> Haven't you ever heard about the used panty vending machines in Japan?
.Vash The Stamped> After seeing Rio selling her panties for money to pay the bills in Burn-Up W...
.Neurosis> Damn.
.Vash The Stamped> BTW... cool series... but it doesn't know if it wants to be serious or funny.
.Neurosis> Is Japan a country filled with future serial killers?
.Vash The Stamped> That's the hilarious thing...
.No F'n Whammies> Speaking of panties...
.No F'n Whammies> http://auctions.wwf.com/Scripts/ListingInfo.asp?LotNo=46308417&SiteCatNo=103249
.Neurosis> Oh, now I know why there were so many idiotic drivers today. The Nike Classic basketball tournament is in town.
.Vash The Stamped> WOW.
.Vash The Stamped> OH WOW.
.Neurosis> How could she autograph the thong? Is there enough room for her to write her name?
.Neurosis> Oh, it's the Malenko ones.
.Vash The Stamped> Yup.
.Vash The Stamped> Were they washed?  I would assume so.
.Vash The Stamped> "Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em!"  "Touche teacher, touche."
.Easy E-W> $2003 for bra and panties...
.Vash The Stamped> I still don't "GET" the censorship laws in Japan.
.No F'n Whammies> "I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!"
.Neurosis> That's a better deal than paying for Road Dogg to show up at your house.
.Easy E-W> I'll say it again...I'm betting there are a lot of withdrawn bids if it's found out the panties were washed after Smackdown.
.Easy E-W> But they're panties with a BACKSTORY, which is better than some of the used-panty-pr0n sites can say.
.Easy E-W> And AUTOGRAPHED TRISH RUBBER PANTS
.Easy E-W> Imagine Trish Stratus wearing pants so tight that they are like a second skin??
.Easy E-W> AND....
.Easy E-W> Autographed Debra Tobacco Spit Jacket
.Easy E-W> You TOO can own the jacket that the Undertaker gobbed on after Debra slapped him.
.Neurosis> OMG I MUST HAVE IT
.Vash The Stamped> LOL
.Easy E-W> http://auctions.wwf.com/Scripts/ListingInfo.asp?LotNo=50953805&SiteCatNo=103249
.No F'n Whammies> ** New group name "LITA'S PANTIES SAVED THIS CHAT" selected **
.Vash The Stamped> Not really.  :)
.Neurosis> Nice title, there.
.No F'n Whammies> Well, they helped.
.Vash The Stamped> True.
.Easy E-W> It's a great story, even if it ISN"T true
.No F'n Whammies> See, if I'm gonna drop 2 G's on a bra and panties...
.No F'n Whammies> (and I'm NOT)
.Easy E-W> She better be IN them? :)
.Neurosis> Yes.
.No F'n Whammies> You DAMN right.
.Neurosis> And willing to get out of them at a moments notice.
.Easy E-W> So you're saying the "Hang with Francine" auction is a better value for your money?
.No F'n Whammies> No.
.Neurosis> No.
.Vash The Stamped> Oh God.  That would be a HORRIBLE use of money.
.Neurosis> If anyone spent $2000 on Francine, they need psychiatric help.
.Easy E-W> Okay, so is the Hang with the Road Dogg or the Hang With Francine a better value?
.Vash The Stamped> Here, you give me the two grand, and I'll just kick you in the ass.  It'll be worth about the same, and just as enjoyable.
.Easy E-W> Or is that a trick question
.Vash The Stamped> Easy: RD... he'll probably share the pot.
.Neurosis> Trick question.
.No F'n Whammies> Plus with Dogg, you get to mock the catchphrases.
.No F'n Whammies> It's a comedic experience.
.Easy E-W> And you get to job him out in your backyard fed?
.No F'n Whammies> If that's your thing, sure.
.Yardcore E-W> YEAH BABY!
.Neurosis> Well, with RD, he'll probably have the munchies and eat all of your food. You know with Francine that that won't happen.
.Vash The Stamped> You can do the job to the boogie-woogie kneedrop.
.No F'n Whammies> Bid history on the bra and panties:
.No F'n Whammies> $50, 77, 100, 250, 260, 300 (2), 900, 1510, 2000, 2002, 2003
.Neurosis> From 300 to 900?
.Yardcore E-W> You can make him sing "With My Baby Tonight" until his throat bleeds.
.No F'n Whammies> Or until your head explodes.
.No F'n Whammies> Neuro: There's a jump in the numbers for Trish's pants from $100 to $1050.
.No F'n Whammies> But it does say that it could include multiple bids by the same bidder.
.Neurosis> What?
.Yardcore E-W> <-taping Premium Blend to make notes later...
.No F'n Whammies> although, why would you purposely outbid yourself?
.Neurosis> Isn't that intellectual theft, Easy?
.Yardcore E-W> Not stealing jokes, just looking for patterns in routines.
.Yardcore E-W> Seeing what flies, what doesn't...
.Yardcore E-W> that type o' thing.
.Neurosis> Oh I see, I see. I get the picture.
.Yardcore E-W> I think Rosie O'Donnell got started by reciting somebody's TV routine, word for word.
.Yardcore E-W> But I'm not like that.
.Neurosis> I would hope not!
.Yardcore E-W> I am EVIL, but I'm not ST00PID
.Neurosis> Being like Rosie O'Donnell is a fate worst than death!
.Yardcore E-W> I mean, I voted for Perot...TWICE...
.Neurosis> DEAR GOD!
.Yardcore E-W> and I'm sure there's a special wing in hell for me for that....
.Yardcore E-W> But I would never, saaaaaay, campagin for him...

(...and it goes on like that, but not for much longer...this is the full transcript. Thanks to Neuro for saving this one.)