I know, it’s a broad subject that can be answered with “Because!” I wanted to write a review of an anime series or movie, but maybe I’ll hold that off until after I’ve explained why I like to watch anime.

I’ve been watching anime for the past year and a half now. My friend Chris is attributed with being the first person to expose me to anime, though I really don’t like the mecha (large robots) style that he likes. However, I poured over his copies of the “Ranma ½” graphic novels when I had the chance, and I loved them. I’ve always been a big fan of RPGs, and the way they used “mystical” items in the storylines appealed to me. The fighting was a lesser attraction, but over time, I grew to love that.

I still believed that anime sucked. Deformed cartoons. Who in the hell likes those? I continued believing that when my brother Justin started a MASSIVE anime collection.. What a little dweeb. He’s spent over $2,500 on anime tapes and DVDs… how ridiculous is that?

Well, I still think that his spending habits are ridiculous, but that’s not the point. Moderation, dear readers.

I was looking over his shelf stocked with anime tapes and I noticed a couple of boxes that said “Ranma ½”. I asked Justin if I could watch them, and he said I could.

Biggest mistake of my life.

A few hours later, I was laughing my ass off, and vowing to rent the rest of the series at Mayhem Collectables back in Ames. I did that, rented the tapes three at a time, until I got to the current volume. It took me a while, but I sat in my dingy dorm room with my Mountain Dew and beer stained carpet and watch “Ranma” tapes on my 19” TV until I got through it all.

Still, I was deeply in denial. “I’m not an anime fan! I only like ONE series, and I’ll never watch anything else! NEVER!” I lived that status quo until I picked up a copy of Animerica at Mayhem. I was bored, and I had nothing else to do, so I figured I’d see if there were any new releases that might appease my fancy tastes.

I read about the release of a DVD box set of a series called “Haunted Junction”. I rented the first volume, and that was the beginning of the end. I was laughing my ass off at this funny little cartoon with Japanese dialogue. Shortly afterwards, I asked for the box set for Christmas, and got that.

I then caught “Tenchi Muyo” on Cartoon Network. I thought the show was interesting, even with the edits, and rented the first tape in the OAV series.. The tape had only the first episode (goddamn cheap Pioneer), but I loved it! I also asked for the “Tenchi Muyo” Ultimate DVD Box Set for Christmas, and also got that. And Ryoko sealed my fate…

Since then, I’ve tried a lot of different series, ranging from the popular (I don’t like “Dragonball Z”… just can’t get into it) to the bizarre (“Metal Angel Marie” is a three episode OAV that is SCREAMING to be made into a regular series), and I’ve found that I’d rather watch my anime DVDs than most shows that are brought to me by the fine folks at AT&T Cable. Why do I like anime?

I like anime because I’m bored with conventional American broadcasting. Watching this regurgitated pile of slop (with only a few rays of sunshine scattered about) makes our country dumber on the whole, in my opinion. We think that any problem can be solved in just a scant few moments. See Family Matters. This is the dumbest show in the world, because it’s so hackneyed and cliched, things get worse and worse, but no matter what, the problems get solved before it’s time to watch Roseanne in syndication!

If Ranma ½ was an American series, Ranma would have been cured of his curse in the first season.

I like anime because it gives you action scenes that are rarely possible in live-action shows. The fight scenes in Walker, Texas Ranger and Martial Law are hokey and contrived, in my opinion. When compared to exciting fight scenes in Princess Mononoke and Ninja Scroll, the lame chop-socky rip-off that American broadcasting tries to force feed us pales in comparison.

For live action fighting, I love Jackie Chan flicks, Jet Li action sequences, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, which I believe is the closest thing you’ll get to a live-action anime. Just watch the fight scenes and compare them to Ninja Scroll, and you’ll see what I mean.

Anime also appeals to my romantic side from time to time. I know, the editor might scoff and giggle like a schoolgirl saying the word “titmouse”, but I have a softer side of my own. And when I’m not watching quality fare like “Cutey Honey” and “Jungle De Ikou”, I like to watch classic anime series that touch on the tender subject of love. “Video Girl Ai” is just one of these great series. Not only is it a great love story, it’s damn funny, too! Check it out when you get the chance! Viz Video should pay me for shilling this much!!!

The characters are more interesting, too. I don’t mean in the physical sense, you damn perverts! An alien princess with magical powers is much more interesting than a spoiled yuppie scumbag living in New York, or any place else that the retards on the Must Shit TV shows live. The characters tend to have more depth than your normal, everyday sitcom character. If I wanna read a story, chances are I want the characters to be interesting. Television is the same. Ai Amano is a video girl designed to help a young man through a rough patch in his love life in “Video Girl Ai”. A video girl, you ask? You need to see the show, because I’m not telling. Needless to say, character blows away almost any other character shown on the Big 4 (5? 6?)

If I want interesting characters, you know I want interesting locations. New York City? Boring. I’ve seen New York every day of my life on TV. A sleepy island off of Nantucket? Yawn. A blasted, post-apocalyptic landscape overrun with gunslingers and a wanted criminal named Vash the Stampede? Hey, lots of things make “Trigun” great, and the setting is just one of them!

Another thing: anime doesn’t need a laugh track. Andy Kaufman decried sitcoms for dumbing down America, and the laugh track is the easiest example of this. Is a joke not funny enough? Goad people into laughing by using a laugh stimulus.. How sick is this trick? Sadly, this means that many unfunny shows not only make it onto the air, but some flourish.

Anime humor may be weird at times but it’s laugh out loud funny, WITHOUT needing to tell the viewer to laugh. “Haunted Junction“, “Tenchi Muyo“, “Trigun”… these are some of the funniest shows I have ever seen. And the refreshing thing is, I didn’t need to be told they are funny like some sort of Pavlovian laughing hyena.

I also appreciate the fact that incidental nudity is allowed in Japanese entertainment, but harmless nudity is stomped out by the goosestepping fascists in the government (or money laundering institu… er, I mean, special interest groups) that make it their duty to make sure we live in a puritan age, with NO SEX. Sex is evil and dirty, and the human body is dirty. Fuck that. Nobody ever got hurt from seeing a breast, or a bare backside. Just because you are repressed, don’t take it out on me.

I’ve seen Girl-type Ranma’s breasts several hundred times. Doesn’t bother me anymore. It might cause a problem when I watch it nonchalantly with a group of friends who might be offended by it, but come ON. If they’re offended they’ll let me know… and I’ll be shocked, because I’ve watched hardcore porn with my friends. Grow up.

Naughty tentacles, on the other hand…

My question: are regular Americans who think Pokemon is the prime example of anime retarded? Answer: no. People only get a chance to try things that are right out there in the mainstream most of the time, and thanks to Nintendo (who have got…or at least had (HA!) a license to print money with Pokemon), Pokemon is the main example of anime in the mainstream.

That is why I offer a challenge to you, dear reader who may be about to click my e-mail address and spam me with hate mail saying “AN1M3 IZ FR FAGOTS! FR13NDZ R0X0RZ!”. Go to your video store (or comic store, if you have to) and rent “Princess Mononoke”. Or “Tenchi Muyo”. Or “Trigun”. Or the first season of “Ranma ½”. If at all possible, get the DVDs, so you can watch them in subtitles or dubbed. If you can’t find yourself enjoying those movies and/or series more than the shows you normally see on TV, then disregard the past rantings.

If you find yourself enjoying them, welcome to the fold. Just remember to try everything on the buffet table of great anime.

Next time: what makes Tenchi Muyo so GODDAMN GREAT?!? I’ll review the series and the Ultimate DVD Box Set. See ya soon.

(Originally posted on ohemgee.com (deceased); reprinted by permission of the author.)