It’s called The 700 Club.

See, it’s all about monkey-looking Pat Robertson and his monkey-looking kid begging for money from dumbasses who think the sky is falling and people living in shacks in Montana. Once in a while, Pat prays with an old broad and does psychic healing to make some faceless clown feel like they‘re actually getting better, and some hack who couldn’t make it on a REAL broadcast news show cuts in to report “Christian news stories”. Last night, they decided to tackle E^3, because video games are sending our kids to HELL.

They had some woman doing the reporting, even though you can tell that she never did an ounce of research, and some right wing nut who’s against video games railing against some of the games that are out and some that are coming out.

The first target was their own tried and true stand-by: GTA: Vice City. However, things went from “news” to “sensationalizing” quickly. They reported that you can lure prostitutes into your car, RAPE them, and then smash their heads in with golf clubs. And while the “reporting” is going on, they show a poor hooker being bashed with a golf club! Outstanding work!

One small problem. I’ve done LOTS of evil, violent, immoral things in Vice City. I’ve gunned people down, ran people over, delivered drugs, and even ran a porn company. One thing that I can tell you that I’ve honestly never done is rape a prostitute. Sure, there may be consensual (paid) sex, but that is not raping a woman. I hope.

They could have talked about the part where Tommy takes pictures of the God-pushing, congressman in a cross-dressing tryst with a porn star… or does that hit too close to home?

They then railed against the video game industry’s stance that video games don’t harm children by bringing up the military’s application of these games in training. I’ve said that I want to move to Japan in the past, and by God, if our military is training on Unreal Tournament 2003, blasting headshots, and calling each other FAG0TS, then I am ready to leave this place.

They cut to a spokesperson for the video game industry, who couldn’t have been more of a plant than if they tried. She was unsure of her answers, repeated herself, and made slips on the tongue repeatedly. You can tell that CBN’s editing team is top notch, right up there with 20/20, Fox News Channel, and the guys at Dateline NBC who blew up the SUV.

They also complained that there is no rating system for images and symbols of the occult, and the devil is taking over video games. Here’s a note, guys, it’s fiction. Just like your idea of a man in the sky who watches over us and loves every one of us.

Then, the end of the report came with the hack (who looks like he’s got a stick jammed up his poopchute) reporting in his best “the apocalypse is coming, and Satan is upon us voice” that a kid played a game, and was rewarded when he got enough points with naked women dancing. And, he noted even more gravely, that the women weren’t cartoons, but actual video.

I have no defense for BMX XXX, but not because it tried to be the “There’s Something About Mary” of video games. Acclaim is a video game company that is sliding down the hill as time goes on, so they tried to get back into the public eye with a game filled with toilet humor, sex, and four letter words. The idea isn’t new, but the game, the most important part of the CD, sucks. It’s a terrible game. I’d rather a good game came out with a little adult content than this garbage.

In that regard, he should be ashamed of playing that game. The naked women are fine, but he played that crappy game for that long? He’s got tenacity, I’ll give him that.

Then Pat went on to decry the IDEA that a ten, eleven, twelve year old kid should see a woman naked. We can’t IMAGINE what the idea of naked women does to kids! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN? WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE… *ahem*

I believe that if you haven’t seen a naked woman at that about age, something is wrong. There are magazines and movies everywhere where you can see naked women. And I’ve never gotten this idea that sex is worse than violence. Why do all the right wing nuts push this belief upon us? I’d rather my children see people having sex than people killing each other. God knows there’s already too much horror in this world (see Rottendotcom for examples).

Hell, those Godless bastards in Europe and Japan and South America and Africa have no problem with nudity… so why do we? Oh yeah, puritans. I forgot.

The final straw on my back was the old broad talking about how there ARE games out there that represent their moral code, games you can play with your children, and that CBN was going to reward those games with a CBN Cyber Seal. She encouraged people to send in games that were worthy of that honor.

So, to all three people who read this, I encourage YOU to send your favorite game to CBN. GTA: Vice City, True Love, Water Closet, Quake 3, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, Three Maid’s Story… these are all fine and upstanding moral games in the American tradition! So be their moral compass, and take the initiative! After all, not everybody can play sick and sadistic games like Tetris and Super Mario Brothers!

Also, if my parents decided to play video games with me, after never doing it in the past, I’d tell them to take a hike while I tried to collect my money from my money laundering operations and gun down prostitutes and cops. Hey, spend time with your kids, and do it of your own volition. You shouldn’t have to be forced to do so.

Maybe that’s why our country is so screwed up? Other countries still believe in parental responsibility, while we hand our children off to the nearest person or shove them aside to get some quality time watching Oprah. Spend some goddamn time with your children, and they won’t turn into animal torturing sex maniacs!

And truthfully, I’ve been obtuse on purpose. Their meatiest complaint is that children are buying these games and stores are selling to them, and I agree with them. I’m all for making ratings legally binding and punishing those who sell mature rated games to kids, but then you’d have to make the “R” rating for movies legally binding, and the government has never done that.

I just figured I’d give these miserable snake-oil artists a taste of their own double talking, fact skewing medicine. Damn, it felt good. I wonder if I can make millions doing this?

Nah. I’d have to find millions of gullible, ignorant people to buy this trash. And you, you’re reading it for free. I’m underpaid!

How about I start a sun worshipping religion? Right, I’ll keep the sun shining if you send me $40,000,000. In small, inconsequential bills, please.

Nathan Loney
nathan_loney@threadapa.com

(Originally posted on ohemgee.com; reprinted by permission of the author.)