Thanks to the hosers who voted for “Other” on my poll at the OHEMGEE forum. Butch Rosser being the only person who voted for other and also gave me a suggestion, he gets his wish. If you did post a request after I started this piece, too bad! You snooze, you… trite clichés aside, I have gotten off track.

His request: A hentai review.

And here we go, with a review of the three-episode hentai series that introduced me into the wild world of hentai: F3. It’s a series brought to the United States by Softcel Pictures in a subtitled videotape. There are dubbed versions now available, but the subtitled version works just fine for me.

Hiroe Ogawa is a perfectly normal young woman with a sordid secret… she can’t reach the big “O”, if ya know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, stop reading at this sentence and we’ll talk in a few more years.

Now that Josh Haggard has stopped reading, it’s time to give you the low down on the rest of the story. Um… Hiroe spends the rest of her time trying to orgasm through various feats and tricks. That’s the long and the short of it. It may not seem like much, but the hoops she jumps through to climax are hilarious!

Hiroe’s roommate (not her sister, even though they call each other sister!), Mayaka, offers some “assistance” in finding a solution to Hiroe’s problem. After her efforts fail, she takes Hiroe to see a doctor in an effort to alleve her problem. If you read the words “doctor” and “hentai” in the same place, and you don’t see the giant flashing warning lights, you’re reading the wrong column.

The usual tentacled machine of “science” blows out after a trying mightily, and it leaves Hiroe unsatisfied. Mayaka helps her escape, and then she takes her to see a fortune teller. The fortune teller freaks out and says that Hiroe is unlucky in love, and sends her on her way.

With nothing less to lose, Mayaka hypnotizes Hiroe. Just kidding around, she accidently causes Hiroe to orgasm whenever she touches her. After she repairs the “damage” caused, poor Hiroe finds herself frustrated once again. However, their landlady (NOT their mother, despite what they call her!) offers her assistance to end episode one.

Episode two deals with a lesbian biker gang whose leader, Takami, lusts after Hiroe and Mayaka. And guess what? They don’t take “NO!” for an answer! They take Hiroe and Mayaka forcefully, and this leads to a contest between the leader of the gang and Mayaka over who can make Hiroe come.

The contest essentially winds up a no contest, and Hiroe and Mayaka’s landlady steps up again and saves the girls from the gang with the FUNNIEST GODDAMN FIGHT SCENE I HAVE EVER FUCKING SEEN. Then the orgy ensues and ends episode two.

Episode three is called “Night of the F3”. Extremely weird, it involves a horny demon possessing Hiroe’s luscious body, causing her to grow a penis and attempt to screw all the women in the house (Mayaka, the landlady, and the lesbian biker gang, as suddenly, this show becomes Tenchi Muyo!). When the demon doesn’t get his way, everything in the house grows a penis and attacks the girls. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a teddy bear with a raging hard on try to get a piece of ass.

So, the women call in an exorcist. The problem arises (HA!) when the exorcist reveals a certain… KINK of her own. To reveal anything more would be to out and out ruin the rest of the episode for anybody looking to watch this series.

And you should watch this series, if you get the opportunity. It’s a hentai series that pokes fun at itself. It doesn’t think of itself of anything higher than porn, so why not have fun while telling the paper thin story?

The third episode is the best of the three. The art, which is good throughout the tape, improves for the final episode, and the story is a well-done parody of horror hentai (which is usually pretty horrible).

As far as the rest of the tape goes, it’s recommended if you know what you’re getting into. The sex is pretty good, with no mosaic. The characters are… there. The art is decent, and the voice actors are… there. I don’t think it really takes much talent to scream, “I’m coming!” in any language, but I guess these ladies do it well.

I need to check to see if there’s a DVD release of this series. Since I started collecting anime, I’ve been a DVD snob. That is, I’ve only purchased anime on DVD. From what I can tell, there hasn’t been a DVD release, but that’s fine. This is one of the few series that I would break my self-imposed moratorium on VHS. I liked it quite a bit, but it’s not for everybody..

If your name is Doom, you won’t like it because there is no bukakke in it.

If your name is Neurosis, you won’t like it because you don’t like that hentai crap.

If your name is Shane Osman, you won’t like it because none of the women have beards like them Amish women do.

If your name is Josh Haggard, you won’t like it because there’s nobody playing a pink Game Boy Advance. But he hasn’t read this far, so it doesn’t matter. And a bit of quick warning for Joshi: “Advancer Tina” is NOT about what you might think it is.

Other than that, I feel confident that you will enjoy this series if you take it with a grain of salt. It’s hard to swallow at times, but it’s very funny, the sex scenes are very good, the art is decent, and it’s a bargain in the expensive world of hentai anime (over two hours of animation for $25).

Very good hentai, but a warning: being the best hentai series out there is like being the smartest kid riding the short bus. It’s still no Trigun.

RATED: 7 out of 10.

My next piece will either be a review of Princess Mononoke or a description of Ranma ½. This might be a monumental undertaking of epic proportions (I’m so good at bullshitting sometimes), but I love the Ranma series enough to share my love with you, Dear Reader. Once again, I’ll ask for a little participation in this writing process. The poll with both options will be up at the forum shortly… no “Other” option this time.

Until next time, my name is Nathan Loney, Cthulhu help me…

(Addendum #1: Not all Amish women have beards. I apologize to any Amish women reading this.. Then again, what are you doing reading this?!? Go churn some more butter, or do more housework!)

(Addendum #2: I borrowed this tape from my brother. So don’t get your panties in a twist that I don’t own the damn thing.)

(Addendum #3: Josh Haggard doesn’t have a GBA fetish. Word on the street is that he likes cats.)

(Addendum #4: Ignore Addendum #3.)

(Originally posted on ohemgee.com (now bereft of life); reprinted by permission of the author.)