[The scene: a locker room in a random, third-rate city in a northeastern US city. Various ECW wrestlers are congregated inside, and the mood is grim.]

Danny Doring: “Okay, what’s the story here? Have any of you gotten paid lately?”

RVD: “Not really, dude. I had to buy domestic pot, man! I really wanted the Colombian Red, but man, I gotta toke up on this homegrown stuff.”

Steve Corino: “Oh, like that’s a major problem for you. You smoked up those weird grass shavings around the entrance of the building tonight.”

RVD: “Yeah, but it only got me marginally buzzed.”

Scotty Anton: “Hey, you all are worried about food, dude, I’ve had to get the actual street-walking hookers the last few months! Where else do you think this stupid-ass “clap” gimmick came from?”

Doring: “Ummm… okay. Moving on, has anyone seen Spike Dudley lately?”

Little Guido: “Didn’t you hear, dude? Balls Mahoney’s tribe “voted him out” last week. He’s history, paisan.”

Doring: “Oh, really? Must’ve been that bum knee of his. Too bad, he was a likeable guy, I can’t believe he didn’t survive a vote.”

Sal E. Graziano: “Well, they didn’t exactly “vote”, per se. He was just too slow to run away, and Elektra caught him. I understand Tajiri had some special sauce made up to cook him in, something he learned from some damn place called FMW. My understanding was it had soy sauce, some ginger root and couple raw eggs, then you stir the mixture until it forms a sugary, thick base. Add some brandy to marinate and you have a perfect recipe for human flesh. See, you have to de-limb the carcass, and cook it at 450 for 20 minutes plus one minute per cubic inch, and baste it every…

Doring: “Criminy, man, will you shut up? And why aren’t you dead yet, anyway?

Sal: “Hey! I’m drought and famine-resistant!”

Amish Roadkill: “Chickens… chickens… [breaks down crying]

Doring: “I know, man, I know. We’ll get some chickens someday. Hey, wait a second!”

[Doring slowly walks over toward Kid Kash who has been in the corner the whole time. Doring has a suspicious look on his face. He suddenly kicks him in the gut and hits him with the Bareback. A single baby carrot flies out of Kash’s mouth and falls to the floor. All in the locker room watch it hit the floor in fascination.]

Doring: “You skinny little bastard! How long have you been holding out on us?”

Kash: “It was just a carrot! A baby-cut carrot! I found it on the floor under the cooler of the local Uni-mart, for God’s sake! It looked like it had been there at least three weeks! I’ve already sucked all of its nutrients!

Doring: “But yeah, it’s still food. You hoarded food from the rest of us, I ought to…

RVD: “Hey, was that a rat that just ran across the floor?”

Little Guido: “I think I saw it! I think it ran into Jazz’s used tampon container!”

[Silence abruptly falls.]

Doring: “Dammit all. Cannibalism is one thing, but…”

Sal: “Why does she keep those after she’s done with them, anyway?”

Corino: “I understand that she gets vital nutrients from the… er… materials inside. A woman’s body is a very mysterious thing. Why, I once heard that-“

Doring: “Hey, Corino. Just ‘cause you’re the only one of us with a college degree, and just because it’s in Female Sexuality doesn’t make you any smarter than any of us! Let’s get serious here, guys. We’ve not been paid in forever. Scotty A. here has some horrid STD, Sal E. Graziano could swallow any of us whole at any moment, and my tag partner is having a nervous breakdown! Hell, he’d kill any one of you for a single KFC “crispy strip”!

Roadkill: “CHICKENS!!! CHICKENS, DAMMIT! [begins randomly punching lockers, but collapses due to lack of energy.]

[New Jack staggers in, bleeding profusely.]

New Jack: “Hey, yo. I can’t… hardly stand. Hey, is that a baby carrot on the floor? I can divide it up for all of us!” [pulls out a bloody shard of razor blade]

Doring: “Um… that’s okay, dude. What are we gonna do for food?”

Sal: “Well, I really want that baby carrot that Kid Kash just spewed out.”

RVD: “So do I.”

[Paul E. Heyman runs in to the room suddenly.]

Paul E.: “We have a main event for the TNN taping! Sal E. Graziano vs. Rob Van Dam for the baby carrot that Kid Kash has kept in his mouth for over five days! This is gonna ROCK~!”

Until next time, I am...

Thread aPa™

(©2000 Matt Etling.  Originally posted on OraclesWar.com; reprinted by permission of the author.)