Vincent McMahon wins US Presidency
Stamford, CT – Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Jr. stunned the world by winning the presidential election last night. Final popular vote numbers showed McMahon with a clear mandate at 41 percent, with Democratic candidate Al Gore scoring 29 percent and Republican George W. Bush receiving 25 percent.
A joyous McMahon gave his victory speech from a top-floor balcony at Titan Towers in Stamford, CT, headquarters of WWF Entertainment with running mate Jim Ross at his side. "America, we laid the smack down on politics as usual," he roared.
McMahon made many bold promises during his campaign that resonated with voters across America. House shows in every arena that seats over six thousand, a major pay-per-view in each of the top fifty cities in America within four years and the changing of "E Pluribus Unum" to "And that’s the bottom line cause America said so!"
The WWF’s "Smack down the vote" campaign electrified the 18-24 year old voting block across the country. Upon winning the approval and endorsement of Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura, McMahon rose like a rocket in the polls and made up critical post-convention ground on a tour that featured a cage match at every campaign stop.
[Excerpt ends]
Thursday, December 22, 2000
McMahon swerves Big Business
‘Screw you America, you’re FIRED’
Washington, DC – President Vincent K. McMahon "swerved" the corporate world today by refusing to cave in to tax-cut legislation and laying off the entire American work force.
"This shows those fat cats in their board rooms that I will not back down. Rather, I will lay the smack down on their greeeeedy corporate asses," McMahon uttered menacingly at a press conference today. White House spokesman Mick Foley talked to reporters later. "You know Vince gets a little worked up from time to time, and these things can all be worked out. Labor union spokesman Ken Shamrock is talking with him at this moment and seeing if they can find a way to get all these workers in… The United States of America [pausing to wink and give a "thumbs up" pose] back on the job."
Facing a Republican congress that vowed to give major tax cuts and credits to major corporations, Vince McMahon vetoed the bill after it passed. Once it became clear that the two-thirds majority was available to override his veto, McMahon played his trump card and laid off every worker in America. "I can wait here in this office all damn night, you bastards! I’m holding this economy hostage until you come out here and face me like men! Or sharply-dressed women in business suits!"
[Excerpt ends]
Friday, March 2, 2001
United States ‘turns heel’, bombs Switzerland
New York City, NY – American United Nations ambassador Steven Richards stood before his colleagues at the UN and defended President Vince McMahon’s bombing of Switzerland saying "those smarmy, immoral bastards deserved it."
"Switzerland has been a moral cesspool for many years. Sure, it may cost a few thousand innocent lives in the short term, but we’re protecting America’s morals here, and some sacrifices must be made. The Swiss regularly export beer, chocolate and images of large-breasted blonde women to Americans. These things are intolerable in this nation. Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children?" an enraged Richards yelled at the general assembly.
For numerous weeks, Switzerland had been receiving CIA reports warning of possible terrorist activities against the Swiss government. The Swiss focused their defense efforts at their borders and major airports such as the one in Zurich. The bombing by US planes came as a devastating shock to a country that has prided itself on harmless neutrality for decades.
President McMahon addressed America in a live speech from the Oval Office earlier tonight, opening by shouting loudly "It was me, Switzerland, it was me all along!"
[Excerpt ends]
Tuesday, July 3, 2001
ATF holds ‘big-ass bash’; Bureau chief Austin orders 5,000 kegs
Victoria, TX – Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms Bureau Chief "Stone Cold" Steve Austin has announced a nation-wide bash at his Texas ranch on the 4th of July.
"Any of you jack-asses that feel like comin’ down to Victoria, Texas for a barbecue are more than welcome. Just don’t spill any of my damn beer, or there’ll be hell to pay," Austin remarked at a press conference. Twenty percent of the ATF’s yearly budget has been allotted to this celebration, including fifty whole pigs being roasted, five tons of ground chuck, two tons of steaks, and five thousand kegs of beer.
"None of that damn Natural Light stuff, either. Budweiser all around!" promised Austin. The department has come under scrutiny for it’s radical changes under the McMahon administration, most notably its joint project with the United States Department of Agriculture, which oversees the school lunch program. Hearkening back to the Reagan administration which considered a packet of ketchup to be a "vegetable", the nation’s youngsters have been able to choose beer as their source of carbohydrates for their afternoon meal. Participation in the school lunch program has risen dramatically in that time.
Many entertainment options will be available for anyone who joins the week-long celebration at the ranch, including tractor pulls, steer roping, eight episodes of the Jerry Springer show being taped on location, milk chugging, skeet shooting and several temporary drive-in movie locations set up along the perimeter of the festival.
[Excerpt ends]
Until next time, I am...
Thread aPa~!™
(©2000 Matt
Etling. Originally posted on OraclesWar.com;
reprinted by permission of the author.)