You may say to yourself, "Hey, there aren’t any ska bands around here! How can I support my local ska scene if there are no bands around?" I say to you, "Shut the hell up and listen, jackass! It’s MY column, and you’re gonna f-ing listen to what I have to say and LIKE it!"

First, find the nearest college to you. If you already live on a campus, you’re set. Find the dirtiest, cheapest, sleaziest club with the cheapest booze and most amateur music acts in town. That’s your spot for the local ska bands. In Pittsburgh, that happens to be a place called Club Laga. It’s on the 4th floor of a building in the middle of the "business" section of Oakland. What this means is that it’s sandwiched between bars, fast food, record stores and panhandlers, so be sure you have a few quarters for the smelly, vaguely frightening bums that will accost you for money while sitting on their asses on the concrete.

Typically, shows are listed as "starting at 7:00, doors open at 6:30". You should get there NO EARLIER than 7:20 to reduce your time waiting in line before they finally decide to open the doors. Before the first band takes the stage is typically the best time to get a little experimental in terms of beverages. Never had a Red Death before? Go ahead, knock yourself out. Remember, if you’ve never had it before, you don’t know how much booze is actually in it. For a real surprise, try and stare at the hot chicks hanging out with the band members while the bartender mixes your drink. Then maybe you won’t see the six different shots he’s putting in your drink. Tip him well, by the way, or he’ll start watering down your drinks later in the night… and nobody wants that.

Ah, it’s opening band time. They’re on stage, about thirty people are on the floor in front of them, and they’re trying their damndest not to embarrass themselves in front of all their fans. Of course, the first song is going to be loud, fast, and have the totally wrong balance on the sound board. But nobody will care. While downing that second drink (you should be at least that far if you started as soon as you went in), be sure and watch all the 18- and 19-year-olds wearing their suits and pins and hats and "I’m a part of the scene, don’t I look cool?" clothes. And of course, you gotta watch ‘em dance.

Ska dancing, or "skanking" as it is more widely known, is somewhat of a cross between the twist, the Running Man, and an epileptic seizure. If you’ve been drinking, you should be just about ready to try it about halfway through the opening set. Just start in the back of the crowd and try not to elbow the big, crew-cut guy beside you in the head. And if you do, just say "I’m dancing, asshole! If you’re not gonna dance, get the Hell off the floor!" He’ll understand.

After about 15-20 minutes of dancing, it should be just about time for the opening band to leave. Time constraints? No, that’s all the material they have! Isn’t that great? Now if you go see them again sometime, you’ll be able to kinda sing along because they’ll still have the same songs! Take this opportunity to reflect on the performance you just saw by slamming another drink. Try something that just sounds brutal. Liquid Cocaine, Death From Above, Zombie, anything like that. If your friendly bartender doesn’t know the drink you request, just tell him to make up something damn strong, and tip him heavily for his trouble. After all, he deals with drunken assholes like you pretty much every night, and this will keep him from spitting in your drink.

Now the "semi-main" in wrestling terms starts up. Either this is a top-notch local band, or it’s some "regional" band that’s kinda idolized the headliners for years. The sound balance will be about five times better than the opening band, they’ll have better songs, and having slammed that drink between bands, you’re gonna dance to them. You’re probably going to notice that collection of chicks that look like they’re about seventeen at the corner of the stage. That’s because they ARE seventeen. Don’t go there.

This band is going to be pretty f-ing good in the sense that they’ll know what song they’re playing and the drummer will actually manage to stick to one backbeat per song. And of course, you’ll be dancing by now because you’re DRUNK. At least, if you’re doing this right, you’ll be drunk. This may well be one of the bands you decide to plunk down $10 for a CD. More on merchandise later.

So after about forty or so minutes of hardcore drunken dancing, the second band heads off. My goodness, you must be all dehydrated by now, so it’s time for another "beverage". Make your choice… make it a strong-ass drink, because your headliner is coming up soon. If you have any ska knowledge at all, it’s a band you may have heard of once or twice or on a record label’s compilation CD. Just enjoy it.

And how do you enjoy the headlining act of a ska show? Easy… by being as drunk as humanly possible. Of course, all the people in the club are going to be out dancing now, except the lame-asses who don’t know how to "skank". You’re drunk, you SHOW THOSE BITCHES what’s up.

About forty minutes later, when all you have to remember the concert is a really strong ringing in your ears, it’s time to hit the merchandise stand. Shake the hand of a guy from the headlining band, tell him they "f-ing rocked", buy a CD and a T-shirt. If you liked one of the local bands, buy one of their CDs, too.

There you go. $10 cover, $20 in drinks if you really went to town, $20 in merchandise (1 CD, 1 T-shirt), and you’re set. At least you’ll have the T-shirt to remember the night by. Hope you had a friend to pick you up after the show.

See, supporting the local ska scene is all kinds of fun. In my next column, I’ll show you all how to distill window cleaner to get a wicked buzz.

Until next time, I am...

Thread aPa~!™

(©2000 Matt Etling.  Originally posted on OraclesWar.com; reprinted by permission of the author.)