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(The original introduction from 2003: (Maybe an opening scene, maybe a teaser...' Addendum 2007: Oh you foolish boy...) The credits roll: A Rolling Chunder Production (Slow fade in, dusk. SKA (as played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman) is driving aimlessly throughout an unspecified stretch of the great northeast. He and DOOM (Johnny Cash) are in the front of a slightly overused Lincoln. EASY (Steve Buscemi) and CHAZ (Jason Lee) are beating each other over the heads with wiffle bats in the back seat.) DOOM: Cut that crap out or I'll take the REAL bat out of the trunk. (The wiffle violence ceases.) SKA (muttering to himself): That bitch never gave me nothin'...NOTHIN'. CHAZ (as if for the millionth time): Which one, Ska? SKA (puffs air for awhile, then): Ah, you don't know her... (Chaz relaxes visibly, which draws a scowl from Ska) But since you asked... DOOM (without looking up): Deer in the road. (Ska steers wildly to dodge the deer. The passengers are thrown from one side of the car to the other, 1960s Star Trek style.) EASY: Be careful with that stuff. CHAZ: Man, it smells like a dollar whorehouse back here. (Easy glares at Chaz over the hygenic the implication, then sniffs his pits.) What happened to the good car? SKA: The cops got the plate number, so I had to sell it to get my name off of it. CHAZ: I would've thought we'd have heard about that by now. DOOM: Don't lie to 'em, boy. SKA (sputters a few times, then shouts): It got TOWED, okay? (lowers voice) I parked it in the neighbor's space and he got pissed off. CHAZ: I've got something that'll make you feel better. (tries to pass up a magazine. Ska catches sight of the open page out of the corner of his eye and recoils like it was a used Kleenex.) SKA: Jesus Christ, put that shit away! Some of us just ate! (Chaz pulls it back.) EASY (eyeballing the mag): I didn't think they bent that way. CHAZ: Looks like it. EASY: Appearances can be deceiving, especially in a glossy rag like this one. CHAZ: Glossy? You can see the tire tracks on her back! (Smells the page) That's what drew me in. (uneasy silence) EASY: Okay, where were we? She didn't give you anything? Was that it? CHAZ: Aw come on, Easy, don't encourage him. We'll be hearing these stories all night again! EASY: Nah, it's good for the soul to spill your guts. DOOM (looking asleep): The last time I saw spilled guts, I hadn't fed Sammie for three days...poor ol' Earl. He fought that cat like Kurt Angle... EASY: ...but he Billy Gunned it in the end. (Waits for the laugh that never seems to come; Doom painfully turns his head to the back seat.) WHAT? DOOM: You're just lucky I'm on my medication, son. SKA (ruminates for awhile): Y'know, maybe I should shave the boys this weekend...just to celebrate the big score. CHAZ (hides his eyes): Shut up, Ska. SKA: Air them bad boys out...maybe a little bit of corn starch under the... EASY (gripping the seat tightly): COOL IT...or I'LL choose the music on the drive to Florida. (Doom grabs Easy's forefinger and gives it a sharp twist, causing a yawp of pain.) CHAZ (leaning forward): You know what I think... (As if this was a predetermined cue, Easy opens the door and kicks Chaz out without saying a word.) SKA: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK...? (As Ska says this, Easy pulls a pistol from his shoulder holdster and fires a few shots as Chaz runs off into the surrounding countryside. Ska violently pulls over to the shoulder and slams on the brakes, everybody lurching forward.) SKA (hits the dashboard): Son of a bitch... (reaches back and grabs Easy by the collar) You complete MORON! EASY: What? You've been bitching about this guy all weekend! SKA (opening his door): He had the map, asshole! C'mon, we gotta go GET him now. (out of the car) If he makes it back to Texas, we're screwed. (A nondescripit motel by a busy highway. The A in "Vacancy" has a tendency to flicker on and off, and you can see the caked-on exterior grime even in the long shot. We cut to an interior shot of one of these dingy (but not tacky) rooms. The phone rings and SONNY (David Cross) suddenly jolts upright into frame, breathing heavily and sweating profusely. He pulls himself together enough to answer the phone.)SONNY (still heavily breathing): Yeah. Sonny here... SKA (over the phone): Sonny, we got a problem. Easy booted Chaz out of the car and Chaz decided to take a run with the map. SONNY: I don't know what jumped up your butt about that. You know the highway is a straight shot, right? SKA: Yeah, but there are so many goddamn backroads once we hit the exit, there's no frickin' way without the map. SONNY (rubs the back of his neck): The Admiral's been chomping on my balls, man, and military types piss me off HARDCORE. Shift your ass into high already! SKA: He's not even a REAL Admiral, he's one of those Soldier of Fortune wannabes who jacks off to old John Wayne movies. His kids told me that's his grandfather's uniform. SONNY: He's a phony but he's a CRAZY-ASS phony. You know he drinks his own piss? (Cut to a heavily wooded area. Ska is trying mightily to navigate some heavy underbrush while holding a cellphone. We're inclined to believe he isn't doing very well.) SKA: I really didn't need to know that. SONNY: He says it clarifies his interior functions. Seals in vital essences and shit. It gives him potty breath, though, I gotta warn you. SKA (chuckles): I'll bring him a mint. (a shot rings out a few feet away) Just a second (shouting in the shot's direction) WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? EASY (waaaay off in the distance): Doom thought he saw a mole! SKA: Stay where you are! I'm coming over! AND KEEP THAT THING POINTED DOWNRANGE! (back into the phone) I'll get back with you as soon as we have some news. (pushes a button to hang up; however, the phone rings again instantly) Ska. Talk to me. VOICE OF SUPES (casting to be determined, we hear a live Pearl Jam bootleg playing loudly in the background): Ska! Jeezus, I had to get ahold of you, the most amazingly disgusting thing just happened! SKA: Um... SUPES: Well, you know how that fat lesbian roommate of mine is hygenically challenged, right? I was going through the laundry pile the other day and I found a pair of panties so shitty that the back stuck to the front. SKA (visibly queasy): Dude, I just ate my-- SUPES: There was a little bit of her monthly flow in it, too. And DEAD FLIES. SKA ("accidentally" hangs up.): Whoops. (The phone rings again, Ska picks up) Ska here. SUPES: I think we got disconnected. So ANYWAY, I go into her room with these funky drawers, and I say "PLUG IT UP, BITCH, or do your own laundry!" And you know what she did? SKA (sits on a stump, massages his temples with a free hand): WHAT did she do? SUPES: She threw the phone at me and told me to go fuck myself! Yeah! She was aiming for the head, too! SKA (auto-pilot): Mmm-hmmm. SUPES: That sloppy bitch was trying to kill me! So I picked up the phone, checked for a dial-tone and called the first number I could think of. That'd be you. SKA: Riiiight...you got anything else for me right now? SUPES: Nope. Bye. (click) SKA (stares at the phone, shakes his head in disbelief): No two ways about it, I need to get anonymous call blocking on this thing. (Quick jump back to the motel room. Sonny cracks his knuckles, reaches for
his laptop and begins typing with inhuman speed in his fingers and a nervous
look on his face. After a few moments, we see the message: Sonny takes a hard look at the MS Outlook screen, and the masses of red squiggles underneath the words.) SONNY: Ah, screw it. (he clicks the "send" button) (This page looks so much better if you have the Billboard font (for the action packed headings)...hope this helps.) |