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Part Three

(We find Chaz in the tiny house in the middle of nowhere, sitting at a thrift-store vintage kitchen table with aluminum legs patterned in various ugly colors.  In front of him is a bottled beer of a mystery brand, and on the other side of the table is the still-unnamed brunette who took him in.  It doesn't look like she's having what he's having.  We're largely unversed in such matters, but by the way he's reeling, we're inclined to believe Chaz either started early or isn't holding his alcohol very well.)

CHAZ:  ...and those shitkickers SHOT at me.  Guns a'blazin' everywhere!  Can you believe it? 

THE WOMAN (not completely believing, but putting on her best front):  That's just awful.  What got into your head to hook up with those people anyway?

CHAZ (puffing himself up with each word):  Well, Doom's a Texan just like me so we got that state pride shit goin' on.  Ska needed someone to prop him up, since he never leaves the house just like Howard Hughes.

THE WOMAN: Ha.  Does this Ska fella keep his fingernails and piss in a jar, too?

CHAZ (thorougly fogged over): Um...not sure what you mean...

THE WOMAN: Okay, why is this Easy guy running around?  If he's as big a psycho hillbilly and humps farm animals like you say, wouldn't he be a problem?

CHAZ: Actually, I have no idea.  I guess they found him in some cardboard box somewhere, scrubbed him off, and kept him from eating roadkill.  But when we take delivery on our package, baby, it's gonna be easy street all the way.  I'll be coming back for you, too.

THE WOMAN: Oh really?

CHAZ: Oh yeah, I always come back.  Ask anybody, they'll tell you.

THE WOMAN: And just what's IN this shipment you're talking about anyway?

CHAZ: Well, it's choice, grade-A...(snaps to) oh, nonono...it's safer if I don't tell you.

THE WOMAN: Well, if it's something that's illegal, I WANT to know. 

CHAZ (mulls his words heavily):  Let's just call it GRAY MARKET, then, and be done with it.

THE WOMAN: I'm making a quick run to the store.  Do you need anything?

CHAZ (waves his arm like a wet noodle): Nah, I'm cool.  Be back soon, though.(She tousles his hair as she leaves.  When he's sure she's gone for good, he pops open a cellphone and dials)  Ska?  Yeah, I'm still alive.  You'll never believe the chick who I found out in the frickin' boonies, though.

(While Chaz is talking, we trail up to the lighting fixture.  Hidden in the fixture is an almost lapel-sized microphone, the wire painted the same color as the ceiling.  We follow the wire across the ceiling and into what is obviously the lady's bedroom.  It's attached to a PC, which is apparently recording.)

CHAZ (over the computer speaker):   No.  (pause)  NO.  Okay, FINE.  Let me give you the address.  She's like putty in MY hands, brah.  I'm here as long as I want to.   I'm sure she won't mind a few friends.  (We see the waveform scroll past on the screen.)

(Dusk.  A car in motion on a country road.  Janey is behind the wheel, while Tan is choosing the music in the passenger's seat.  He holds up each CD case to the tiny light on the sun visor's vanity mirror, sneers, then pitches it into the back seat.)

TAN: I wish I'd brought more of MY music...

JANEY (arching an eyebrow, not taking her eyes off the road): Don't you like my taste in music?  My minor was in street culture, you know.

TAN (realizing he just put his foot in it): Oh NO, it's not that at all.  I just have some recent things I could've brought down.  (smiles at the CD in his hand) Ah, here's a good one.  (Tan slides the CD into the car stereo, resulting in a sultry hip-hop background to the following conversation.  Tan relaxes perceptibly.)  If I packed too much, they might've changed the locks on me at home.  The family's just kind of strange that way.

JANEY:  Well, you're here now, you'll have plenty of time to worry about THEM later.  (Janey taps the wheel to the beat.)  So how long are you down here for?

TAN:  At least until the guys make it down from the north.  Depending on how things go, it could be longer.  (squares his shoulders meaningfully)  A lot longer.

JANEY (quietly smiling):  You know, there's one thing I've never done with a... (cellphone rings)  Oh, that sounds like mine...hand it over. (opens)  Hello?  (her jaw slackens and she slams on the brakes) Oh no way...  I'll be there in a moment.  (shuts off the music)

TAN:  What happened?

JANEY:  That was the alarm company.  Somebody tried to break in.

TAN: Aw crap, you don't think...

JANEY (visibly flustered): I don't HAVE to think...we're heading back.

(As the car swings around in a high-speed three point turn, Tan punches the dashboard, shaking his head.  Whatever he thought was happening isn't going down tonight.  As an afterthought, he makes sure his seatbelt is fastened.)

(Back on the shoulder of the road where Chaz first ran off, where Ska, Doom and Easy are standing over the hood of the abused Lincoln.  A standard-issue road atlas is the topic of their interest, and Easy is holding a battery-operated fluorscent lantern, Radio Shack issue.  The light jiggles repeatedly, until finally Ska grabs Easy's arm.)

SKA: Hold that light steady, you rotten pigfucker.

EASY: Cool your jets, Captain Beefheart.  This thing has got another 25 hours worth of juice in it...

SKA: Why the hell would he even tell us where he is after all this shit?

EASY:  Chaz likes abuse.  Just look at that haircut, for instance...

SKA: We wouldn't even NEED to go through this bullshit if it wasn't for your inability to view this trip in a business fashion.  (looks straight at Easy)  You've got one strike.

EASY (the sweat on his upper lip is set off by the lanter): And just what the hell is THAT supposed to mean? (Easy hands the lantern to Doom, who is still studying the road map.)

SKA: You knew the deal when you signed on for this joyride.  If you help the team get the big cut, you get yours.  If you screw everything up, YOU'LL GET YOURS.

EASY: I can make your life miserable if you give me a chance, and I'm not talking about puns, you goddamn DANCIN' MONKEY.

DOOM (just before Easy and Ska comes to blows): Right there.  (he marks a place on the map) 

EASY AND SKA: What?

DOOM:  Found Chaz's safe house.  Next exit, half a mile up, hang a right off the ramp, another right, and there we are.  (Easy and Ska look at each other.)

EASY: Why the hell didn't we see that?

DOOM: Because sometimes you don't shut your mouth long enough to actually look at what's in front of you.  But you're funny as hell when you get into these sissyfights, so I approve.  (Doom slides into the driver's seat.)

SKA: You're riding shotgun, but that's because I want to keep my eye on you this time. (Ska opens the passenger door, climbing in the back seat.)

EASY (to nobody in particular): I hate it when the old man does that.  (Easy grabs the stuff off the hood, plops in the front seat, and reaches for the radio.  Doom grabs his hand and bashes it against the dashboard as the car pulls back onto the road.)

(The Florida house on the swamp, a single police car with flashing lights parked in the driveway as Janey cuts the engine and scrambles out.  We see a broken front window.)

JANEY: Oh God...what happened here...?

OFFICER (gestures to the back seat of the car):  Do you know this guy?

JANEY:  Oh, Nick...why the hell do you keep doing this?

(We find ourselves looking at Nick (played by Emo Phillips) thorougly pummeled and barely lifting his head.)

NICK: I haven't heard from you for three years, babe.  Is our hiatus over yet?

JANEY: What did he do this time?

OFFICER (scratches his head): THIS time, you say?   Well, at 8:05 pm, we received a call from the ADT alarm center about a broken front window.  When we got here, we found two broken windows and this man rooting through your garbage.

NICK:  It's the only way I can keep up with you these days, sweetie...

OFFICER: Please be quiet, sir.  Anyway, he said he was the cohabitant of this residence and that he'd forgotten his key...

JANEY: ...which isn't true, since he's never lived here and never HAD a key...

NICK: You were the key...you opened the doors...

JANEY: Aw crap, not the poem...

OFFICER:  PLEASE be quiet, sir.  Well, we can get this straightened out soon enough.

JANEY:  Just a second, I have to take care of something...  (walks back to the car)  I don't think this is going to be our night.   I've got a lot of crap here to straighten out, but I'll call you at the hotel to settle our business.

NICK (in a feeble shout): Who is that guy?  My dog never told me about the new guy! (Nick is flouncing around in the police car like a doll filled with wet noodles)

OFFICER: Don't make me get the pepper spray again, sir.

TAN:  Well, okay... (he has to settle for a quick hug and a peck on the cheek) Be safe.  

(Janey walks back to the house with the officer, while Tan tries to find his car in the driveway.  On the way past, he makes some unmistakeably obscene signs at Nick, which pitches the prisoner into a fresh rage.  As he walks away, we see over Tan's shoulder the officer spraying Nick with pepper spray, a nasty smile on Tan's face as he listens without looking back.)

To be continued...